it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
