How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
