Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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