how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
