I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
