I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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