Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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