You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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