Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Randomize
