dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
