Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize