just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
