I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
