you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize