new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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