we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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