If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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