You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
