i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
