Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
