I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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