we have officially lost it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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