my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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