can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
