broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
