mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
