Girls should come with a carfax report
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
