I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
