its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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