genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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