When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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