you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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