I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
