uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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