I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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