Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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