i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
