just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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