totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
try to milk me bitch
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
