My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
