FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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