Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
