Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize