I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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