I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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