Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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