When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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