thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize