when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
