Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
