he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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