Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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