Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
