In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
