also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
