Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize