I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
