my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
