okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize