you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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