The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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