he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he was CRYING into my vagina
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
