Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
