He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
