Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
