Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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