Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
