Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
