He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
