Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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